Painting Bliss

Journal Excerpt - Growth, Fear, and Manning Up

 

A Day, A Month, This year 2013

 

 

    Each year a bird either deconstructs their previous years nest, or they create a whole new grassy abode. They know just what to do and how to do it. Creative little nesters!

It's a good and healthy practice to regularly re-evaluate your life and the place where you live. To ask yourself, am I still content? Do I feel the need for change? Are we still here or do we see bigger opportunities just past the treetops?

There are other questions as well. Like, Do I prevent greatness by coddling my own personal fears? Fear, in my book should be considered a disease. Something to be diagnosed, treated, and hence forth rehabilitated. It shreds your insides to pieces. Fear brings with it so many other symptoms, it's just the first domino to a whole mess of dominoes that slam down upon each other.

It's okay to be vulnerable (when your safe), it is when we let down our guard that goodness seeps in. Like the water that splits stone, it pushes all the bad out of the way - only leaving room for the right things you need (and personally choose) to put into your life. Sometimes holding onto things can only increase the fear discussed above.

It's a cycle, break it.

~ NOW ~

I ask... why tread lightly where tiptoeing begs to be heavy foot falls? Why stand alone, when you can hold onto another? Why linger in doubt, when you can linger in living life out loud?

Live LOUD - Split the stone - BE the water (dammit)

_________________________________________________

I have been casting out fear for about a month now. Choosing to return to my past personal motto of "No one said I can't, so I will"... and that is because I am capable of ANYTHING, and so are you! Somewhere, somehow I lost myself. Cast out good people, good things, and let the negative in (lots of it, cause negative brings friends). We all do it... I'm not afraid to admit to you today that I am guilty of such things.

That's right, little miss sunshine once in awhile sticks her head up her ass!

 

 

So I stand here, a creature of the sun - arms cast outward in full surrender. I invited myself back to the party, and holy shit I showed up! Not only did I show up, but I was (and am) the coolest person at the festivities! Anyone bring refreshments? This post has me thirsty!

All jokes aside though...

I'm performing a personal exorcism, and I'm not afraid. I go forth chest puffed out like a robin at dawn. I claim what is mine, who is mine, and march like a soldier manning up for war. I take ownership of things I have done, the person I have been, and the person I am striving to be.

I know where I BELONG. I know where I want to BE. I know who I am meant to be WITH.

Do you?

Have you evaluated lately?

 

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What's Inside - Changing Growing and just Being ME

What's Inside - Changing Growing and just Being ME

 

 

 

I have felt a bit artistically frustrated lately.  On this path of journal writing, doing what makes me happy, therapy, and self discovery... I can see the horizon my art comes from, growing brighter and different. In fact I know it is.

I see these images in my mind, more organic - free flowing - and adventurous.

Exactly how I feel at the moment.

I can't put my finger on my frustration other than I'm not getting to produce anything that is my own. I have been so busy illustrating a book that I just need it to be completed. I am frustrated because I have so much congesting my everyday that it's not allowing ample creative time - the creative time that I so deeply require.

Here I am doing things intentionally to make myself happy and return to my roots but also letting deadlines and responsibilities take over. Responsibilities are responsibilities for a reason though, and named such because they are things that must be done or need to be taken care of.

And so, I am changing my art into a responsibility.

Something that can't be pushed away because there is something else pressing in.

 

Knowing that I'm changing, I also know that my inner growth will also alter my work. In fact, not sure what is going to come out, makes me a little nervous I suppose. Afraid what others will think - I worry my new work won't be as quickly accepted. "Oh why is she doing her new work like this? Why change? Why this, or that, or the other thing?". I know how stupid that is, that I shouldn't let fears prevent me from creating what's inside or allow my inner critic to pop up and #$&@ with my head.

All great artists evolve. Their work changes, progresses, and matures. I'm there. I feel it... my artist soul is itchy. This artistic adventure of mine has me tapping the inside of my chrysalis. What color wings will I have? What kind of butterfly will I be?

I can't grow up, without my work growing up to.

 

 

 

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Cloth Paper Scissors - It's Here!

 

 

Being so humble and artistically shy it's not easy for me to share big ta-doo's... but I'm just about jumping out of my skin. I have had some minor publications in Somerset Studio, but I currently have my very first serious spread in the May/June issue of Cloth Paper Scissors!!!

Maybe you remember my sweet mixed media egg owls, maybe you don't... but now you can make one of your very own, for in the current issue I have a how to article complete with step outs and an adjoining article! I am so excited, delighted, and happy to share the news with you!

 

 

 

Opening up the box that I knew contained my complimentary issues was a bit surreal... actually holding, leafing through, and seeing my work on glossy pages next to other talented artists was just mind blowing!! I am so thankful to Cloth Paper Scissors for giving me this opportunity and for being so friendly to work with. The magazine staff was kind and super responsive... they made it so easy! I hope to send them more artwork in the future in hopes of more publications.

Hope you pick up the magazine and have a look see, thank you to you if you do!!

If you love my owls and would like to give one a happy home, you can visit my etsy shop here.

 

 

With Little Snippets

 

 

Fingering through the pages of an old book, long forgotten and placed on the used book store shelves, it is my intent to bring home these words and transform them into my own. I sit, I snip, I place and rearrange... until the words flow into reflections of my insides turned out.

Poetry flows through my mind and out through my fingers. When I am satisfied I glue them into their final resting place, a natural toned brown journal.

As I sit with my books, I graze my eyes over the the pages looking for phrases, sentences, and single words that stick out only to me. It is my mind, my soul, and my heart that sees the words that are meant for me. I am fascinated with the thought that given the same pages, and someone else, that a whole 'nother set of words and phrases would evolve.

The words are waiting like seeds in the winter, suddenly given light and warmth... another chance to live.

This personal meditation gives me a sense of ease in a body that breathes anxiety.  This time of self expression gives me the opportunity to dilute the rush of beating wings inside my chest.

It is when the bird sleeps... 

 

 

I am a deep thinker.

I am a deep feeler...

and often times my heart is enlarged.

 

 

Heeeee Haw!

 

 

Tomorrow I am hopping a jet plane and flying all by myself across the United States to spend some jam packed fun time with my bestie Jax! This is a pretty big deal as we have known each other for seven years now, shared every facet of our lives with each other, yet never met in real person! Crazy!? I know!!!

I'm nervous, but more excited than anything. I'm only nervous because I haven't flown in ten years and have to manage myself through more than one airport as I have a plane switch in Philadelphia. This is definitely a case of putting my big girl panties on and pretending like I know what I'm doing! In the end though, if I get anxious or confused I'm sure there are plenty of airport folk that can hold my hand like a kindergartner on their walk to the potty.

I picture seeing Jax for the first time, running up to her, and then proceeding to hug - hop up and down - and squeal as we aptly draw all of the airports attention. HA! Let them watch! From there it will be straight to the thrift shop because dammit we aren't wasting a single second!

Good news is, I'm taking you with me! Fancy a trip to Texas? Jax and I will be blogging side by side with either coffee or moscatto by our sides. Definitely check in and see what fun things we have been up to!

 

 

It's all Happening

 

 

It's coffee and artwork every morning. Except yesterday when I woke up with the kids stomach bug! Even then though, I found myself back at the table come afternoon when I had a lull in between the throwing up - painting away. Working until I didn't feel well again just proved to myself how I can't even go a day without lifting a paintbrush (even if just for a short amount of time).

So many good artistic endeavors are happening, it feels good to be taken seriously... not only by the public, but also by myself. I think perhaps they go hand in hand. So your probably wondering why the lack of sharing of new artwork... well I'll tell you! I'm working on a new children's book! I was hired by a local lady who wrote a cute tale and needed an illustrator. One person talked to another who led her to me, and well everything happens for a reason! That's my belief in everything, and I have been busily creating her book for her. We are only into the first few pages and it's really looking beautiful!

Not only am I working on the above mentioned book, but I will soon be working on several pieces using just 3 colors... for Somerset Studio's series called "With one Palette"!! I couldn't be more excited!! If that weren't cool enough or flattering enough, I received the proof for the article that will be in the upcoming Cloth Paper Scissors May/June issue featuring a step out guide on how to create one of my wooden egg owls! (eek!) This dream of mine, it's unfolding... unfolding because I am going out and catching in my net like a skilled butterfly collector! I encourage those of you who have dreams too, to take life by the throat! Anything is possible, you are capable of it all!                                                           

Someone... ahem... likes all the devoted time I am spending in one place...

 

 

I am not appreciating the cat hairs in my pallette... but it is nice so nice to be snuggled and kept company!

 

First Hike of the Season!

 

 

Fair weather, warm sun, and a Sunday happened all at once yesterday. It was a recipe for adventure and the chance to breath in the damp scent of earth and snow. Spring has started, clocks have been changed, and the sun is allowed to stay up past it's curfew. I'm here. Right here. I'm waving a flag that says "WELCOME" and putting out my thoughts of sandals into the universe. Soon it will come, and I am ready. We all are, aren't we?

It wasn't a terribly long winter. We did receive more snow than we have in many years prior but I enjoyed it. Winter is snow. If it's going to be cold and bitter, in my book it might as well let out some pretty white flakes. There comes a time though, somewhere between New Year's day and now that I grow inpatient with the storms. This year I am thankful for March coming in like a lion, because now I can look forward to it slipping out like a lamb.

Our first hike found us on a portion of the Appalachian trail. With all the snow melted at home we expected it to be the same only fifteen minutes away... but to our surprise it wasn't. More than 6 inches remained on the path. We were prepared though with warm layers and snow boots. The snow was soft and slushy where the trail had been flattened. It took on a slightly yellow hue from the rotting autumn leaves below. I thought about how painters usually use variations of blue to add shade while painting snow... but it's not blue in the shadows at all. The true color presents itself in shades of grey and a grey toned lavendar (artistic mental note). Truly lovely it is.

 

 

The trees that held their pale yellow butter colored leaves all winter shivered in the light breeze. Each little leaf shook like it had been set a vibrate. I told everyone to stand still, be silent, and listen. The sound that presented itself was that of a mexican maraca. Sort of like rice in a tube being softly flustered.

Nature's music.

 

 

Over a small man-made foot bridge ahead we were bestowed a beautiful sight...

 

 

The trail/woods were quiet except for the ten minute stint when my almost three year old son decided he wanted me, and cried for me from the hiking pack upon daddy's back. A little reassurance that I would hold him soon, daddy playfully teasing him with a stuffed cat, and we were back on track. The snow was perfect packing snow from the temperature lifting. I thought about if we had prepared a little more (gloves) we could of built a snowman right on the trail to greet other hikers on their own adventurous journey. Food for thought in plans for next year.

Signs of spring could not only be felt... but also seen, even with the 8-12 inches of snow on the forest floor. Greening moss, last years fern and rhododendron bushes were conjointly brightening.

 

This was a short hike to start us off. Many more hiking experiences are on the horizon. Between mountain, hill, and tree trunk we will take nothing but photos and leave in return, nothing but footprints. We are ready... or rather my husband and I are. The kids will warm up as we move along. The complaints of "my legs are tired" and "are we done yet?" will replaced with "where are we going to go today? and "it's hot, will there be waterfalls to go into?". This is the stuff families are made of. The stuff our family is made of. Activities unique to you, us, each other. We are an outdoors family. We crave wild open spaces and gifts from nature to feast our eyes upon.

Life is right outside your door and I want my children to always realize that.

 

 

Love thy Home in a Thrifted Way

 

All this newly found happiness has me putting energy into all sorts of places I didn't realize I had checked out of. Like decorating our home! It has been so long since I took pride in decorating our love nest, and I missed it so much! The other day I did some antique/vintage shopping, found some lovely things I wanted to share with you today!

 

(Bright yellow Pineapple motif crocheted doily in a large size, now a front door curtain - Thrifted  $6)

 

(Hand embroidered pillow cover $1!!! All ready to slip a pillow in)

 

I think some folks (not all of course), hold back on how they want to decorate. Perhaps they feel that homes are supposed to be decorated a "certain way", or that they must be nice, neat, and presentable. Well... yes, and no! If you want to hang something from the ceiling or put twinkle lights across the bookcase, then why not!? Right? Right! And that's how I'm decorating. If I think something makes me happy, then I'm going to do it. Like... for instance... the top of our book case is a place where I keep candles and our incense... it's also where I let vintage dinosaurs roam! They have to be kept up high because when they get down they chase people and try and bite their ankles! Naughty reptiles!

 

 

 

 

Trippin' at the thrift shop (cue the song) found me with an armful of vintage scarves. A little hum hum on  my sewing machine and suddenly I have a curtain that would make Peir 1 Imports wet their pants! A pleasant reward was when I hung it up, the heat ran, and the curtain undulated in beautiful and flowing ways.

Or perhaps their is a ghost in the house and it's trying to put on the curtain as a dress?

 

 

(These two scarves - Thrifted - $5)

 

 

I have always admired crochet buntings, knew I could make them, but never did. Why? Laziness... hectic day to day living... I don't know... but I made one last weekend and it is one of the newest additions to our home that brings me the most joy. It brings me the most joy because it's something I didn't allow myself to make... or rather depression didn't. Well screw you depression, I have an army of pills and a good therapist now that trump your efforts ten fold!

 

 

 

 

Some of my left over silk scarves became pillow covers. With just turning them around into the diamond shape position, laying the pillow on top, and meeting the corners together in a knot... it's a no sew improvement that needs little effort for achievement! Not to mention they are silky soft and extremely lush to lay with.

 

 

 

(Thrifted scarf $3 - Pillow form $10 - Final Cost $13 for custom pillow! Plus it only took 2 minutes to make)

 

Next I'm thinking about hanging things from the ceiling in spots that just seem to scream for it. Like above our bookcase... it's caddy corner and so space is a lost. When I look at it I see that it needs pretty things on string I think... Here is an idea that I found on Pinterest. You can click on the picture and make some for yourself if you like. They are made of post it notes!

 

 

 

 

Love yourself, love the things that make you happy, love the space you live in!

 

 

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In Which I Realize I Like Me

 

 

 

I had this realization the other day, and I think it's a biggie...

I like me

Me, myself, and I are seeing eye to eye for the first time ever!

We are spending a lot of time getting to know eachother.  It feels like I have just met myself... really met that is... and I'm gonna go out on a limb and say we really "click".  I look in the mirror now and say "hey, you're cute... and really awesome" instead of "what's wrong with you? Go on with yourself". I'm flirting with me. Taking care of me. I'm nurturing all things that make me happy.

It's amazing what a good therapist, some good medication, and the right direction can do for you. That's right, I said THERAPIST and MEDICATION. They're awesome, both of them!

I think a lot of people go through their days either hiding that they are suffering mentally, that they are on medication not wanting anyone to know, or that they really don't like themselves truly when they say that they do.

There is no shame in taking medications to maintain your sanity.

There is no shame in therapy.

If the end result is LOVING yourself whole heartedly... and liking who you are as a person, then if you ask me it's a win win situation.

There is no shame in having depression or anxiety or anything else for that matter. It's just as medical as heart disease or diabetes. Would you leave those untreated?? NO! So love yourself no matter what your flaws. It's been a long battle for me that I finally feel like I'm throwing a lasso around. Everyone deserves happiness... true happiness. I didn't think it was possible, the stuff of fairy tales... but I assure you that it is.

 

 

 

 

I'm smiling more, and for no reason at all a lot of the time. I've even gone as far as to say the words "I feel happy" out loud... even when I worry saying it out loud will jinx me!

  So yeah, I like me and I think I'll take me out for coffee. No... wait, not coffee - Chocolate. Because I know that I like chocolate and giving myself something I love only proves to myself that I am acknowledging my needs and truly listening to what I have to say.

But I'll probably want coffee too... so coffee and chocolate it is.