I went to bed the night before last and prayed that the next morning I would wake up and it would still be summer. That when I propped my eyelids open, morning sun glaring in, that it would be the hot sneaky sun of mid-summer and not the waning sun of early fall. Unfortunately it was not so, my prayer didn't fulfill itself and that sun was not a mid-summer sun. Maybe my prayer failed short because too many times during those hot sneaky sunny days I wished in my head that my children were still in school... that school was an all year round sort of thing. Well I take it all back. I don't mean a single word! Those were but moments of weakness during some vulnerable mommy moments.
Maybe if I pray tonight, I'll get my wish tomorrow?
I awoke yesterday morning and it was the first day of school. Our summer, but a whisper amongst the tying of shoes, zippering of backpacks, and repeating out-loud of room and bus numbers. I won't lie I was scared for them. Most nervous for my youngest who was attempting Kindergarten for the second time (we held him back so he could build his confidence). Truth is, he was so brave I can barely believe it as I type only moments after saying goodbye. He was, and I can describe it in no other way but this... that he was ready. He had an air of security around him that I so rarely see, I think... he was stronger than my husband and I.
Sometimes they tug so hard at your heart strings you wonder if they'll bust.
Our oldest, whom I assumed wouldn't be afraid at all - was. He was over the moon worried that he wouldn't find his class room, and a little overwhelmed with the job of being a big brother. He had duties he needed to fullfill this year as older and more experienced.
And then there was the little one who who is only three but wanted to jump onto the bus and GO! The third musketeer was being left behind and could not join his brave brothers. I felt bad for him.
Kissing, hugging, and offering our last and quickest words we watched them drive away, waving longer than they could see, longer than we needed to, and pretty bumbed they were gone.
We walked back the three of us holding hands looking at our shadows stretching out ahead.
"And now there are three" I said.
Thoughts about how in two years only my husbands shadow and I would remain on the first day filled my head. I wanted to close my eyes, open them up again to find us at our favorite natural beach amongst cool water, steaming sand, and smiles. I wanted my kids back.