Last year I attended a conference with my mom in law and sis in law... it was a Christian faith based conference. Not something I exactly would have chosen to go to on my own, as I don't have strong religious faith... but went I did. Raised in a little white 100 or more year old church and baptised in a pond by my grandfather, somehow religion failed to stick. Maybe it's because I question it and things in general too much... maybe it's because I have enough faith in myself that I don't need faith in someone else let alone someone else I can't see. We all have our different religious feelings and I honestly I try and keep religion out of my realm of chatter. You believe what you believe, I believe what I believe... they believe what they believe; so forth and so on and that is that. Anywho... I went to this conference because I love my mommy in law and I love doing things with her, and because I love making her happy. Not because she needs to be made happy, but because she deserves to be and I want to. My whole point here is that I had trouble taking anything valuable (for me and my life) from this conference... except this which has stuck and I have thought of regulary since. It spoke volumes and was worth the hours and hours of prayer, praise, and hand raising to the Lord related pop music. This one line that stuck with me... this one conversation was this... in life there are what needs to be "necessary endings". Hearing this one line was like an epiphany for me... did he just say necessary and endings in the same sentence? can endings be necessary? is it ok for me NOT to feel guilty about them even when I know they are right?
Although I am an eternal optimist I am also the queen of pecimism... is that cup half full? sure it is! but it's also half empty. I had never thought of an ending as necessary, but instead as a horrible defeat. I thought that if I couldn't make something work, a friendship work, a situation work, that it was my fault... that I failed. I didn't know that perhaps the ending was needed and I was meant to lack the skills of saving it! A friend sent me a quote the other day that said "sometimes something doesn't go away until you have learned what you need from it"... or something to that matter. Death doesn't just come in the loss of a human soul, but also in the end of a friendship or relationship with someone... no matter how long you have been friends whether it has been forever or just a few short months, it's still an ending.
Perhaps you know why the relationship folded, perhaps you don't... perhaps the answers are better left to the universe to know... but this is what I relay today... that there really are necessary endings. Necessary in that they have to end... and end for you to take on the next chapter of your life. That relationship kept you from moving forward or it derailed you in some way and so it had to go.
In our life these necessary endings are that moment where you have decided whether or not something can or cannot go further. You usually toil over it for a while until the toiling becomes the toxic influx of thoughts that come so fast you can't stop them. The thoughts take up your every minute making you inpatient to those around you, frustrated... causing you to put everything aside because your focus... being put on such unhealthy thoughts, has taken away your focus on what is truly important in your life. And you know it's unhealthy, but even though you know you can't stop them until the final decision is made.
This... this is the necessary ending.
It's hard to pull the trigger because as a human we constantly question are we doing the right thing, are we making the right decision? will that someone be mad at me? will others be mad at me? well you will never know really... because once you have made the call to end something you can't see where the other path would of led... but there is a way of knowing if it was a good choice. If after the decision you feel relief... like you could breathe again, like the thoughts have slowed and are still slowing... if you feel re-energized or like you can return to activities put aside, then yes... you have made the right decision. Yes, you will still question it from time to time as you think of the other person or the situation you ended, but that's just human. That's part of being inperfect.
When I get into these situations I question not only the situation but everything else in my life. I don't know why the evaluation comes together all at the same time, but for me it does. Not only am I accessing the grievence but I am also accessing my direction as an artist, the qaulity of my work, my friendships, my parenting skills, etc. It's usually an overload and an overstimulation of my creative mind. It stunts me in every way and if I'm not careful to find my necessary ending and where it needs to be I can put myself right into a depression. Something I have done before, and try very hard not to repeat.
Life is really about breaking the cycles that you don't wish to continue. They are hard to break, but the effort is tremendous and tremendously rewarding.
There are so many reasons why you might not want to have the final no, the no that says this isn't going to happen anymore and these are for a number of reasons that I am personally guilty of... the fear of hurting the other person, the fear of hurting oneself, the fear of confrontation, the fear of not knowing whats right and what isn't and whether or not you have the means to know the difference. These are just a few of the reasons we hold off on such mentioned necessary endings... but you know what? it is also in my experience that letting these fears control you only puts off and prolongs the ending.
Everything has it's season... and as with any season it has to end for another to come. I have had plenty of these endings in my life, and they continue to happen and will continue to happen because that is life. It's part of life... it is the procession of personal growth.