Freedom to paint without pressure feels like a ice cold cup of water on a oppressively hot day. Replenishing and refreshing. I have painted four pieces now, and with each completion I learn more about who I am, what details set me apart, as well as what I like and do not like to see in my work. I've never been taught lessons while I painted because for so long I made sure I was in complete control - with no room for mistakes. Allowing myself to just be free upon the canvas, letting mistakes happen and not giving up when they do... is guiding me in the way of growth.
I used to experience jealousy when I saw work better than mine, a little fire inside would ignite and I would question it. Wonder why it was that I was feeling such a negative emotion about someone elses beautiful well executed artwork. This week I found the answer. And it was this - even though I had a style, I did not feel I had a distinct and unique style that was all my own. I felt like one in a million other mixed media artists, all of us doing the same thing in many different ways. Now that I am venturing out of that box I feel that I stand more alone... or rather stand out alone. I'm no longer feeling like what I do can be replicated by anyone else, or that my work needs to compete against others. I now feel a sense of quality in my completed pieces that is not to be compared with anything or anyone - because it is mine, and mine alone. I feel ownership over my style.
In the past few weeks I have completed four new pieces, each of them large works full of imagery and color. The first two flowed easily, just sort of flew out of my finger tips like they had been waiting forever to come to life. But the third challenged me more. It pulled at my strings and demanded that I push a little harder than before. The fourth, went through so much transformation that if you were to see it disected layer by layer you would never know that it started out entirely composed of varying greens. Each of the these pieces, educated me about what it needed and what I needed to do - to achieve inner peace with it's completion.
Coming such conclusions has been extremely comforting, and especially stress relieving for this artist. I wasn't sure I would ever feel a sense of contentment, I thought maybe just something in me was probably secret and spoiled little brat. I am happy and relieved to know that was not the case. It was simply my soul searching for individuality. A sense of knowing who I am, what my art is, and that no matter what it will always be undeniably ME.